SuicideHandbook

A deep stare into the flame of the burning fuse of a firecracker triggered  my imagination around the word "spark": spontaneous, fiery, wild and unpretentious events of our lives. The whole chemical reaction, triggered by a single heat source will eventually produce colorful lights, that brighten even the loneliest nights.

"A journey begins with a single step.." …A deeper look into this words of wisdom left us with the question of "how to begin a journey", eventually. Should we plan the journey? or should we just follow where our heart leads us ? To me, a journey will only be meaningful if you touched, smelled, smiled, laughed, cried, and think along the way. To me, in order to enjoy this, I should let myself go, and savor the moment along the journey. Nothing should be pre-planned.

Just like the sparks from the burning firecracker, a spontaneous self will bring about the true you, that will mature as you age. You will make mistakes, of course, but you shall learn from  them. Further, random sparks tends to shine brighter than candles, right?

Live fast, die young

-fin-

Y. Bhg Tan Sri Datuk Panglima Dr. Abdul Rahman Arshad, Pro Chancellor of UiTM, said:

"…ada satu golongan yang berkorban apa sahaja, wang ringgit, masa, usaha, dan kasih sayang untuk menjadikan mahasiswa dan mahasiswi, berada di menara gading dan seterusnya berjaya sehingga ke dewan ini untuk menghadiri konvokesyen mereka…"

"…pagi-pagi lagi sudah turun menyembah pokok getah, menoreh, dan menjual hasil ladang yang tidak seberapa. Tapi, selagi mampu, tenaga akan dikerah untuk memastikan anaknya cukup makan pakai nya…"

"…ada yang terpaksa bersabung nyawa untuk mencari beberapa ringgit di lautan bergelora, nasibnya tidak pasti. Entah kembali entah tidak…"

"…ada juga yang bawak teksi saban hari. Ke hulu ke hilir cari penumpang yang  mahu menggunakan khidmatnya. Kadang-kadang dia hampa, kerana tiada orang yang sudi menaiki teksi yang dibawanya…"

"…ada yang menjadi polis, tentera, sanggup berjuang menggadaikan nyawa demi negara dan anak-anaknya. Dengan imbuhan yang sedikit itulah anak-anak itu disekolahkan, dengan harapan, biarlah anaknya nanti tidak perlu bersusah payah seperti dia sekarang…"

"… ibu bapa kita tak pernah mencuri untuk sekolahkan kita. Ada yang meminjam, dan ada yang bergolok gadai untuk menghantar anda semua ke sini…"

" …tidak pernah mereka pinta balasan terhadap segala kesusahan dan ranjau yang mereka tempuh di dalam kehidupan mereka. Satu hari nanti, mereka akan meninggalkan dunia ini, selepas menghabiskan sisa-sisa hidup yang tinggal selepas membesarkan anda…"

"…jadi, satu sahaja nasihat saya kepada semua graduan sekalian. JANGAN LUPAKAN PENGORBANAN DAN JASA IBU BAPA KITA. Mereka inilah yang menjadikan impian saudara saudari untuk menjejak menara gading, satu kenyataan. Sekian, assalamualaikum w.b.t"

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    Those words lingered and filled the convocation hall, and hit home, deep into our hearts. On that auspicious day, every single one of us, were molded from sacrifices of our parents and families. The realization hit us so hard: even Imran, Hashley and Manai unwillingly shed their "masculine tears" ( or should I say air mata buaya?). As for me, i tried in vain to  hide the sniffles and hot droplets of tears that welled in my eyes. Adam, who sat beside me, caught me in the act, and teased me for being a wuss.

   Teachers, family members, friends~ PARENTS : these people are created by God to compliment our existence. Despite that, I couldn’t agree more with the speech, that the GREATEST LOVE from amongst these people will come from our parents. I would appreciate it if you, who read this, would take your time and ponder. How can we ever repay their deeds and the years they lost? To my mother, only ALLAH knows how much I love you, and I dearly hope that life will be easy and better now, as I can stand on both my feet, with my head held high. Thank you mum, ALLAH bless you

"This is a story carried by the Wind, from a land seasons away from us. Here, the leaves are changing their colors into natural collages filled with yellow, red, brown and orange shades. The Wind, as faithful as ever, told me a moving story to compliment the picturesque evening.  As beautiful as it may appears, the fact remains that the trees will be left with nothing except for their barren branches and their faithful trunks to face the cold and unforgiving winter.

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    An old woman sat with his grandson underneath the shade of a patio, in the middle of a garden filled with flowers. The Sun bathe the Earth with a graceful amount of heat, and gave life to seedlings. The smell of spring filled the air as dandelions  merrily let go off their seedlings to travel the world, while tulips shared their light flowery scent, that wafted in the warm and calm afternoon.

    The Wind, swirled  and  drifted in the comfort of Spring: when suddenly it caught sight of the woman and her grandson. Out of its insatiable curiosity, the Wind gently glides and swirled near both of them. The woman was deep in thought, as she watched over her grandson. The boy was busy scribbling on papers, using crayons, pencils and coal sticks, and drew beautiful images of the Spring.

The woman suddenly stood up and picked up a pencil from the scattered stationeries, strewn across the table. She said,

"…write all you want child. Never be afraid of what the world might think of you because what you believe is what you are within. If you are to make a mistake or you made an error in judgment, just bear in mind that ALLAH is all forgiving and all benevolent. There’s always space for us to better our status as HIS servant.

Time will teach you a lot of things, but time, must be seized when it comes. Do not force the time on you, cause you might loose your youth in pursuit of something that you should not waste your effort on. Life will put every rightful things in their own rightful places.

With little things that we have, we can change the world. What you write, might move mountains, free slaves, and even change the world. But remember, have faith and do everything in the name of ALLAH. Learn from the pencil, as it is the smallest thing that can make you believe…"

it was a week of reflection. I did a lot of "doublethink" processes and now i am proud to say:

       "…To my true friends, i salute you~ love will never tear us apart (edeh,pinjam line  Joy Division jap). To my sworn haters and enemy, i forgave you a long time ago and I admit i failed to change how you feel about me. To the one that I lost, hopefully the years in my journey ahead will bring me back to you. To the one that loves me, I love you the most. To those I love yet I never showed you, pardon my mountaining ego. To those who matter most, I hope ALLAH’S blessings will always be with you…and to all, thank you for being a piece of my world.."

  Now, having said that, I’ll buckle up and journey on =)

Once, there was a man. He was the earliest of his kind. Walking the earth on his two legs, he toiled among the larger beings that roamed on the face of the planet. At times, he could not find anything to eat, and he will have to make do with whatever that he scavenged out of other animal’s hunt.

He brood over his unlucky nature. Sitting sadly on a stump of a banyan  tree, he gazed onto the heavens and this in turn, sparked the sympathy of Mother Nature. She asked the animals to go to the man and console him off his misery. So the animals gather around the teary-eyed man, asking him what they can do to ease his burdens.

"I wish I have a fabulous sight, so I can spot a good hunt from a distance" he said.

"You can have my sight, poor man" replied the vulture.

The man smiled and thanked the vulture for such a wonderful gift.

"I will be great if I can have the strength of an ox, so I can carry more weight than i can right now" the man hopefully plead.

"Well, in that case, take mine" said the ox.

"I wish I can be as fast as some of you. That would make a nice gift".

"I would be more than glad to share my ability to run as fast as the moving wind. May the Nature guide you to embrace them, just as i did" said a jaguar.

The owl, the wisest of the animals, felt uneasy about the whole arrangements. He, then asked, the man, what he would do for Mother Nature in return for her kindness?

The man replied, "I don’t know". He felt uneasy too, not about the overwhelming power that he now has, but about the question.

So the owl replied, " I felt uneasy about the whole thing. Now that you are so powerful, will you help us to embrace Mother Nature, or will you turn against us, and demand more of Mother Nature. At the end of the day, we will see your kind roam over the face of the earth, leaving us to scavenge of little that you left for us."

The man was shocked to see such a revelation coming from such a frail-looking creature. Besides, the owl is in no position to tell who deserve the gift and who does’nt.The man took the owl in his hands, and snap the neck of the poor creature.

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This is a fiction. I never intend to be a treehugger, or whatever that comes under that genus.But can you think of a better story on how we turned up to be such decayed and devouring beings? What is so wrong with us?

We are living in a world where the fittest survive. People with no means of survival in their surroundings will be left to rot and die. Thus, every effort to make yourself worth living is an essential. Since we are small, we are taught to learn fast, think smart, and take advantage in every situation that require us to make a decision.

Some of us realized this since their early age, thus equipping themselves with every know-hows to stay competitive. Sadly, some of us remained under the comfort of ignorance.The competitive ones clout the opportunities with vengeance, and to certain extent sacrificed their self-worth in their pursuit.

What i am writing today is about a moral dilemma that always confront us in today’s context of survival. Should we always be straight, or is it OK for us to be crooked to survive?

A brief walk in the forest taught me that the trees that are crooked will remain standing. All the straight ones had their fate ended by the jagged eyes of the chainsaw. Interesting indeed. Is my view justified? You decide…

Ignore the title of the post. What i have in mind is more or less, intricately related to the way love shaped individuals, as i view it. It may be misled by my prejudice, my stigma, and the way i approach things that happened in this short 24 years of my life. I am humbled if there are things that i overlooked. Well, everyone experienced different tales, right? Some ended happily, while some ended tragically. Well, the saying will always be "jodoh, ajal, pertemuan di tangan Tuhan".. in my case, it is already written in my qada’ and qadar. My duty is then to make the best out of this life, whether it’s a good or bad thing that befallen me. To people who knew me, they know that i have been into several relationships. Each one left a mark, etched forever within my veins. It eventually turns me into the Bakhtiar who is writing this piece.

There were times when a long-established bond between two persons evolved into obsession. In this case, "I am crazy for you" is not a mere wordplay. Every seconds that passed in the lives of the couple will always revolve around each other. It is good to have this kind of solid and constant care for each other. You will feel loved each and everytime, and you know that there is a meaning to your existance. Moments spent apart are torture, where phone calls are frequent, and text-messages will soar up in frenzy. The only cure for this kind of "sickness" as my friend once said, is by killing both person, so they can be joined for eternity. Good thinking dude! The negative sides of such relationship however, will only come into surface after a considerable length of time. Quarrels, fights, tears, threats, will be constant, and in the end, the magic of the relationship just gone. I doubt that things can be reconcilled at this stage of relationship stagnance, as the harder they try to find each other, more hurdles, which mainly resulted from ego (on the man’s side) and feminist jurisprudence (haha, i just inserted this for fun!). What can be done? Practice trust, open communication, forgiveness, an be greatful that there’s someone who is created for you.

The other type will be the "laid-back" type~ usually practiced by couples who are still in doubt to commit themselves. Some can go to the extreme of having double, or triple relationships at one time. Both parties are free to do whatever they whim, and they are free of any blameworthiness to any fault along the way. I think that this kind of relationship adopted the western belief that "courtship does not bind two people in every aspect". Relationships, therefore has been reduced to a process of getting know each other, in a casual and natural setting. Advantage? There is less tendency of people to be hypocrite, as they can express their true colors. Another positive side of this type of arrangement is that, once they are certain that the stars are aligned in their favor, they will invest every ounce of effort to turn the laid back relationship into a serious courtship. However, the abuse of liberties in such relationship is almost natural. The other party might be hurt, but the agreed terms was to be as carefree as possible. I would object to a liberalized~version of this relationship, as it demotes the sacred joining of hearts. (Now i sound like Cupid)

Well, whatever it is, both type of relationship offer millions of possibilities. You might end up dead, like Jack Dawson in Titanic, or you’ll find yourself as lovey-infected like Mr. Adam Sandler Truth is, i found someone who stands out in the midst of this woman populated planet. My dear Syaz, you know that i will do my best to be the one for you right? It will be a journey, and i promise you an exciting one!

i  am writing this,out of curiosity… we used to have parties (i.e big kenduris) when we khatam the holy Quran.. i remember being in a procession that went about 100m, and the boy was carried on a carriage.. it was a wonderful picture indeed.i can imagine the emotional rollercoaster that the boy experience. Surely, it will be something that he will remember for the rest of his life.

Fast forward to the present time. The way things work has evolved, adopting easier, less complicated, yet ceremoniously poor. We consider ourself the product of a demanding century, where efficiency solves the world’s ill. But is’nt the world ill that is happening? Extinction of ceremoniously beautiful, extravagant, unique, and rich culture of ours? Will it be left eroded with the passing of time? And how soon will we can only dwell on the experiences of our elaborate khatamal quran, moreh, rewang, cempuling, and all the richness that we inherited from our forefathers?

It is inevitable, but we can do something..

In a classic storytelling, "once upon a time" is commonly used to start a narration of something that happened a long time ago, but my "once upon a time" in this story, was used to describe a chain of events that i rather forget than remember. The subject matter of my story is aptly a man and his shallow self. He reminds me of Narcissus, a vanity icon in the Greek epic, whom tragically perish as a result of his obsessive love towards himself.

"a man who looks into the mirror..and see nothing but himself" is the best way to describe a person whom imposed his self-imperatives upon others. Sadly self-centered, they usually consider themselves as perfect beings, hence justifying their indifference towards others. The mirror reflects the light that reached its surface,and it never hide anything that is within the sphere of their existance. An image of a man, ignoring other co-existing images within his mirror reflection. Deifying himself to another level, they ignored the impact of their words or actions towards others. And the story goes…

I was helping my dear sister, for a buka puasa catering service in our local mosque. Fresh out of a 2-hour flight, i was exasperated and the scorching heat did’nt offer any comfort. But I was completely delighted, to be able to help, as it has been a while since i returned to my beloved hometown. After i unloaded my luggage, i helped my siblings and my cousins to load the food and refreshments into the cars. Then we set off to the mosque, pretty sure that we have everything sorted out.

The catering system is a convenient way to serve a bunch of hungry people, and keep the smile on the face of the caterers as well.We were supposed to prepare 2 buffet tables, that estimated to cater 100 pax. The job is not as tedious, and we worked pretty well together. But the flow was disrupted when we figured out that we left the "cling wrapper", and we have nothing to cover the food with. Alarmed by the approaching buka puasa time, i drove as fast as i can (and still follow the traffic regulations, of course) to the nearest supermarket, to buy a roll of those. As i made my way out of the parking lot, the azan echoes, signalling the end of the fasting period for the day. It was not even 3 minutes after that, i reached the mosque, and rushed to the buffet tables.

The jemaah was having their light refreshments, and i cover the food on the table with the cling wrapper. I have’nt had anything yet, but i thought that i should prioritize the covering of the food, worrying that some flies might feast on exposed chicken curry and watermelons. As i put on the wrapper around the tray, one pakcik, came to me and say, "Apahal pinggan banyak ni aja, nanti lepas ni kau pegi basuh pinggan ni cepat. Kitorang nak makan lepas solat Maghrib".

I accept the fact that we are serving their food, so it is my responsibility to make sure everything is in order. But the tone and the gestures of that pakcik suggest that i will have to wait for my buka puasa until they finished their prayers. In the meantime, i should make use of the "three-maghrib-rakkaat" time period to clean all the dishes, so the dishes can be ready in time for their berbuka. Golly!

I assume the indifference that the pakcik had for me was because i was not dressed to the occasion. But as far as i am concerned, my Mogwai T-Shirt has no images that’s grossly inappropriate, and i wore a baggy, clean, long pants. Was he trying to impose his value-laden-imperatives on me? So, a guy in a t-shirt attending a sermon in a mosque does not deserve to break his fast and perform a jemaah prayer, is it?

Maybe i was a bit disshelved that time, considering the fact that i just landed at Bintulu Airport less than an hour earlier. I rushed and ran, carried the bucket and rinse the cups, so you can picture a tired, hungry, thirsty version of me, getting a series of orders, which i perceive ridiculous in a reasonable man’s point of view. At least, the pakcik should have known that i was also fasting, so i deserve at least a drink.

I can see that the pakcik took me as a slacker, a young hoodlums who was looking for quick bucks working for caterers. Even if it’s true, that does not confer any right on him to treat another Muslim that way. He, as pious as he looked, (later i discovered that he is the Pengerusi Jawatankuasa Masjid) should’nt have displayed such an ass-display of a grumpy old man who is hard to please. He may have gone to Mecca twice, or donated half of his property for charity, but he should look into his inter-personal relations and do something about it. Being judgmental is wrong, especially when you dont know zip about the person you’re dealing with. He is probably the type of guy who buys coloured-pictures cover type of books, and considered them interesting without even leafing through the pages (My manifestation of "Don’t judge a book by its cover".

Pakcik, if i can say these words to you in person, it would be super:

"…Pakcik, boleh tak kalau saya nak buka puasa dahulu? Saya pun berpuasa juga macam pakcik, dan saya nak solat Maghrib berjemaah dengan semua orang…dan kalau boleh, tolong jangan nilai seseorang itu dari luaran nya sahaja. Pakcik pun ada kelemahan juga sebagai manusia.."

-Fin-

Yesterday i passed through the same corridor that leads to the
library’s pathway. Along the way, you can see window aisles portruded
customarily out of the teacher’s rooms. Some took the initiative to
decorate their little window corners, but some could’nt care less.
There’s one aisle that is decorated by a huge cactus, and i am pretty
sure that it is a rare species. It is beautiful with bright orange tiny
seedlings.

Cactus are known to be resilient, tough vegetation.
That’s why it can survive the scorching desert. With its long root,
cactus thrives by finding its own source of water buried deep
underground. Alone in the desert, cactus stood unmoved by sandstorms
that often change the dunes and shape the valleys.

Today, the
cactus looks different. Brownish, sickly parts are visible. The plant
seems to be dying, and it is withering away. No ornamental seedlings
grow, and the soil seems to be dry. I realized that the lady professor
that owns the cactus has been away for 3 weeks now. It appears to be an
official urgency, i guess.

The poor cactus made me think. A
plant, that in its natural settings should be able to withstand
isolation, is now withering away in a solitary pot of an absent
professor. Being left alone and forgotten, this cactus will eventually
die. Should the professor be thoughtful enough, she can always ask for
other’s help to attend the cactus, at least to water it once a week.

Looking
back, even the toughest of all beings, would need care and attention to
live its purpose. Being forgotten is painful, as you are left to wonder
which way to go next. Spirits are hard to break, true, but there will
be a breaking point, when we will set everything aside just for an
attention and care… Wealth, health, and everything else are next to
nothing, if nobody cares about you..

So, start caring for the
people who cares about you, and never assume that he will always be
well and fine..maybe someday, you’ll be left gathering pieces of
memories of that person, and that’ll be the day you reminisce this
story about the cactus, and wish you could have done something about it